My Life as a Mist
“Ofcourse, we have room”
From the Minneapolis Tribune (May 29, 1976) of a married woman who got an abortion at a Minneapolis clinic.
Though I would march myself into blisters for a woman’s right to exercise the option of motherhood, I discovered there in the waiting room that I was not the modern woman I thought I was.
When my name was called, my body felt so heavy the nurse had to help me into the examining room. I waited for my husband to burst through the door and yell “Stop,” but of course he didn’t. I concentrated on three black spots in the acoustic ceiling until they grew in size to the shape of saucers, while the doctor swabbed my insides with antiseptic.
“You’re going to feel a burning sensation now,” he said, injecting Novocain into the neck of the womb. The pain was swift and severe, and I twisted to get away from him. He was hurting my baby, I reasoned, and the black saucers quivered in the air. “Stop,” I cried, “Please stop.” He shook his head, busy with his equipment. “It’s too late to stop now,” he said. “It’ll just take a few more seconds.”
What good sports we women are. And how obedient. Physically the pain passed even before the hum of the machine signals that the vacuuming of my uterus was completed, my baby sucked up like ashes after a cocktail party. Ten minutes start to finish. And I was back on the arm of the nurse.
There were 12 beds in the recovery room. Each one had a gaily flowered draw sheet and soft green or blue thermal blanket. It was all very feminine. Lying on these beds for an hour or more were the shocked victims of their sex life, their full wombs now stripped clean, their futures less encumbered.
Finally, then, it was time for me to leave … My husband was slumped in the waiting room, clutching single yellow rose wrapped in wet paper towel and stuffed into a Baggie.
We didn’t talk all the way home …
My husband and I are back to planning our summer vacation now and his career switch.
It certainly does make more sense not to be having a baby right now—we say that to each other all the time. But I have this ghost now. A very little ghost that only appears when I’m seeing something beautiful, like the full moon on the ocean last weekend. And the baby waves at me. And I wave at the baby. “Of course, we have room,” I cry to the ghost. “Of course, we do.”
http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/abortion-you-desire-and-do-not-have-so-you-kill
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February 2012
February was quite an eventful month!
- February 9th - Lawson and I went to our first concert together: Rock and Worship Road Show. Sweet experience with the Lord. I FINALLY got to see/hear LeCrae live and “in person”! ‘Loved dancing to the music live!
- February 12th - Lawson and I’s three monthsary. And on this day, we were ordained to be ministers by our pastors.
- February 14th - Our first Valentines day as husband and wife: surprised me with a peach-colored rose and a card and drove me to Corpus to eat at my favorite asian restaurant which serves Filipino food. (Mmm ate up that Sinigang!)
- Lawson started working with Nick in Bluntzer.
- Announced my pregnancy to our families
- Announced it at work
- Announced it at our churches
- Announced it on Facebook (whoohoo lol)
- February 24/25 - First road trip together to Killeen and Austin, TX
to meet with his spiritual father (Jason Adair) who preached that weekend. - There, we had our first time going mini-golfing (lol)
- Got my first maternity clothes!
It was the sweetest thing to see how Lawson’s parents reacted to our news. Ofcourse they gave us their wisdom, but then they went back to their giddy faces and my mother-in-laws squeels of excitement. Because on their side, it’s the first time that they are grandparents. (My dad is grandfather four times now, lol.)
And the ordination service was more meaningful to me and more special than when I graduated from Del Mar College with my associates degree. I mean, their prayers were powerful and… it meant more than walking on a stage with my cap and gown, to be sent forth in this special way, with my husband and our assocaite pastor.
It was a very sweet month announcing our news.
I will always remember it.
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Dear Baby…
Dear baby,
boy or girl, however many of you there are,
God knows…
Oh, He definitely knows. He knew you before He started knitting you inside of my womb. It’s crazy to think of it now, that I was in my mother’s womb only 21 years ago, and now here I am carrying you in mine…
~
I will hopefully find out how far along you are, how many of you there are, and if you are a boy or girl in exactly a week from today. I thank Jesus so much that my pregnancy with you so far has been smooth. I rarely had nausea and I threw up, maybe five times total. WHen I tell other people this, they tell me that I’m so super lucky. But I tell them, it’s only God and it’s only prayer :) And well, im believing for even less of these symptoms the next time :)
You are my very first baby, this is my very first time being pregnant, so I have A LOT to learn! When I start to worry about you and if im doing everything I’m supposed to do, I know that I just need to calm down. Pray. And Meditate on scriptures about God’s will for children. Alot of the time, when I am worried or anxious about this pregnancy, your daddy can tell. He can tell, and he calms me down, and prays with me. I’m excited for you to hear his voice more. You will fall in love with his prayers and with his heart immediately. Just like I did :)
Well, I could write an entire book for you… but for now, I just wanted you to know that you have been a blessing already. Thank God for the smooth pregnancy so far… You are my first. And I am so excited to share my life with you.
I love you. We love you. And we thank God for entrusting us with one of His beloved, priceless, beautiful children.
Mama ~ BB
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Awake.
I know that I have appeared absent and mute on this Tumblr site. Partly due to busy-ness, partly due to a greater awareness and cautiousness of what I share with the world. For I cannot throw my pearls to just anybody, lest a swine is present and tramples all over the contents of my soul. However, I feel that through time, experiences, and mistakes… I have better discernment now and can obey the Lord in sharing what He actually would be pleased for me to share here. Because it’s ten o’clock and I must work tomorrow morning, I will simply name a few of the wonderful things The Lord is doing in my life these days…
Well, I love being married in the will of God! It has been 2 weeks and 2 days now since Lawson and I have been married. Our wedding was so beautiful, blessed and full of joy from each other and from all of the witnesses. It was nothing short of the hand of God, He provided EVERYTHING in three month’s time. Were continuing to pursue Gods will in serving here in Portland Driven Church and at Greater Faith Church in Corpus Christi. I’m reading a book about Jonathan Edwards called “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God”… and it’s peeling off numb and passionless layers in my heart for sure. The Lord brought a breakthrough in my heart today at Driven. Every wall, every hinderance, every hidden doubt and fear, every scar I bore from the action and words of those closest to me, every heaviness, every distance that stood between mr and MY Heavenly Father disepated today. And this was also brought onto the rest of us who received the breakthrough today at Driven.
Thought.
It’s amazing how worry and anxiety, hopelessness and despair can become like dirt thrown on to the flames of passion, beauty, and love. It destroys what is. And moreover, what could be.
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Incision
Every day, I realize more and more how broken and hurt I am from my past… and I realize, more and more, how much I need my Healer, at a whole ‘nother level.
Deeper. Requiring me to be vulnerable, trusting You with the incision.
I must cling to knowing that You are All-Knowing and All-Good and All-Powerful.
I don’t know what needs to be done, or what needs to happen.
All I know is that You’re the Only One who can truly heal or give me peace in the end. And always.
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